When still very young, naive and full of enthusiasm, I used to make serious lists of highly ambitious goals. I would get tired by day 3 and abandon it all by day 5.
Every year the same story would repeat itself, and every year I genuinely believed, that I would finally achieve all things on the list.
I never did.
The pain from failure was growing, but the hope for transformation never died.
Whatever changes happened in me and my life, they were never the result of New Year's resolutions.
I stopped making those lists altogether. I just hoped, that I would learn to plant intentions and follow them. I hoped to develop small habits that would bring big changes. It partially worked. I was no longer feeling guilty for failing my resolutions, and still was achieving small victories.
The long yearned deep transformation never occurred, but I knew I was moving, albeit slowly. With years I realized that I had the wrong idea about transformation since the very beginning. I was seeing, or chose to see, only the bright part. The final results. The grandiose victory. I never wanted to admit the dark side of the process. The pain and efforts involved. The hard work. The patience when the result is not yet visible on the horizon.
I now believe to have a better look at the bigger picture. The wholeness of the transformation process. The bright side, and the dark side. And I hope I to be ready for both of them.
I again feel the desire to make a list of New Year's resolutions. Nothing ambitious. Nothing unachievable. Small steps. Little habits. Genuine intentions. And good memory to remember why I want to do what I do.
I want to read lots of books and do as much yoga as possible. And enjoy the process. I want to let it surprise me. You can never learn what will happen and how you will change unless you walk the whole path. The greatest part of transformation is the surprise, hidden in the process, that no book, no guess of yours, no other person's story can reveal for you. It is only you, and it is only up to you, to make the revelation. And here lies my hope for 2021 and beyond.
Tags:
Random musings